Thoughts and Journals

Blog #7 - Stupid S**t people say

I was recently reminiscing with some friends and as usual the topic of kids came up.

I commented it was hard to believe Beck had been gone for almost 7 years. 

Someone said "Oh yeah, I forgot about that".

I knew it wasn't mean spirited but that comment took my breath away. How could someone who knew me forget I lost my child?  I had to remind myself it was simply a comment from someone who had never experienced a significant loss. 

It did get me thinking about the stupid s**t people have said to me over the years. 

I'm embarrassed to admit I'm guilty of a couple of these before losing Beck. 

"Everything happens for a reason" 

I'd love to hear one good reason why Beck is no longer with me.

"He's in a better place now"

Better than here, surrounded by people who love him?

"I know how you feel"

I can assure you, you do not.

"How did he do it?"

Why do you want to know?

"What was going on at home for him to do that?"

Why would you assume that our family was troubled?

"You seem fine, don't you think you should go back to work?"

This was said to me on one of my good days a few months after Beck died. That person did not realize that many days I didn't have the energy to leave the house. And when I did feel up to it, being out in public required a great deal of emotional energy and was physically exhausting. 

"Could I read his suicide note?"

Absolutely not. 

Some better things to say

"I'm sorry for your loss."

Simple and heartfelt.

"I can't imagine what you're going through. "

I could barely fathom it myself.

"I don't know what to say. I wish I could find the right words."

I didn't know what to say either most of the time. 

"He was so funny."

"He was so kind."

"I remember this one time...."

I loved it when someone would share a story or memory about Beck. I still smile remembering the boy telling me he would miss the clementine Beck gave him out of his lunch every day. 

The best words are sincere, acknowledge the pain, express sympathy and let the grieving person know you are there for them. 

Words are impactful; almost 7 years later I still remember people's condolences. They help soothe the hurt. 

Blog #6 - Post Traumatic Growth

The first time I heard the term post traumatic growth I was both skeptical and quite frankly, annoyed. It sounded like an idealized concept setting up unrealistic expectations. 

So, not only do I have to live without my son, I'm now expected to learn and grow from it? I resented the suggestion anything good could come out of losing Beck. 

Over time it did happen, but balancing the juxtapositions have been challenging. 

I'm more aware of social issues, but it causes me deep concern for the future. 

I know time with family and friends is essential for my mental health, but I crave solitude now. 

I love more intensely, but I'm terrified of losing those I care about. I'm more empathetic, but I have less patience for those who are entitled and treat others poorly. When the adverse emotions take over, I try to strike a balance respecting both ends of the spectrum. I remind myself I couldn't possibly be the same person after such a significant loss. 

If you are struggling to understand who you are after losing a loved one, try not to fight it. Let things unfold at their own pace without forcing it. Embrace the positive qualities that happen while being mindful of the things that can derail progress. 

I would gladly go back to my oblivious self if I could have Beck back. I hope he can see I'm trying to do better. 

The world was a kinder place with him in it and I hope I can replace some of the goodness that was lost when he left us. 

Blog #5 - Christmas Eve 2024

I attended my 1st support group 3 weeks after losing Beck. When I looked around the room, I assumed everyone had lost someone recently. The round table began and the 1st person said she'd lost her brother 10 years ago. I thought there's no way I'm still going to need support groups 10 years from now. I'm going to power my way through the grief and be "better" soon. I'll do everything right and outrun the pain before it overwhelms me.  I went to the support groups, I attended counseling, I read books on grief, I saw mediums; I explored anything I thought would help. I put on a brave face and thought I'm going to fake it till I make it.

3 years later I hit a wall. I was so tired of pretending I was okay; and I was scared of the places my mind was going. I was so disappointed with myself. I wanted to be strong and properly honor Beck's memory. I felt like I was failing him.

I finally went to my family doctor. Instead of being told to just try harder, I was offered explanations. The events of that morning caused my brain to "shift"; and 3 years later I was still struggling to make it work. So, I did what I swore I'd never do; I agreed to take antidepressants for one year. It would give my brain a chance to rest and reset.

I thought medication was going to be the answer, the missing piece. My mind was clearer but I still needed to face the overwhelming sadness. I missed Beck so damn much. Slowly I began to accept that grief was a part of me forever. My grief is the result of my love for Beck. It's what connects him to me and is part of our new relationship. But...some days the sadness still takes my breath away.

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve and it hurts. I wish so badly there wasn't an empty space at the table. I want him here with me eating turkey and pumpkin pie. I want to watch him open presents.

I'm not fighting the grief though; I'm letting it in. I understand it won't break me.

Merry Christmas Beck. I love you.

Blog #4 

"It's OK that you're NOT OK"

It's a must-read book written by Megan Devine.

My biggest take aways were;

There is nothing wrong with grief.

Grief is simply love in its most painful form.

It is a natural and sane response to loss.

She debunks the cultural belief one can return to their normal life. She instead offers building a life alongside your grief rather than trying to overcome it.

Reading that grief is a sane response to loss validated how I was reacting. Not grieving would be the irrational response. I felt better about admitting, I am not okay; I will never be okay; and - I am okay with that.

How could I ever be okay without Beck? To pretend otherwise would slowly destroy me. I'm building a path and bringing Beck with me. It's not easy, it hurts. I miss him at every moment, that hasn't changed and I don't think it ever will. I miss being excited about Christmas. Grocery shopping can still make me sad (he was such a picky eater). Monty Python makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

So, to bring him with me, I buy Christmas gifts from Beck for Paul and Ridley every year. Occasionally Oreos will make it into my shopping cart. Sometimes I'll watch the Monty Python's flower arranging skit (a must see!) and remember how Beck's big toe would curl when he laughed at it.

I am still Beck's mom. I tell him I love him every day. He is as much a part of my life as he was before he died. Love doesn't just disappear when someone leaves us. I will keep him with me on this path until we see each other again.

Blog #3 

One of the great loves of my life happened because of Beck. This love came into my life at its lowest point. She gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. She calms me. She makes me laugh. She helps my heart ache a little less. She is a big beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog.

We brought Tu home a month after Beck passed. I gave all the love I had for Beck to Tu and we have a bond I can't explain. She was a great ice breaker after Beck. Instead of an uncomfortable "How are you?" people could ask how the puppy was. She was the catalyst for a beautiful group of friends that formed. I have walked miles with Tu, steps that wouldn't have happened without her. She calms my anxiety simply with her presence. Sometimes I swear she understands me. And those puppy dog eyes.. they get me every time.

Nothing can fill the void Beck left behind. But having somewhere for my love to go gave me strength. Some will say she's just a dog, but she's much more than that to me. She saved me.

The Story of Tu

When Beck was a toddler, he loved 2's. Everywhere we went, when he saw the number 2 he would excitedly point it out. To his last day we would laugh about it.

To bring some joy into our home after Beck died, we decided to get a puppy. The night before we met her, I was lying in bed "talking" to Beck. I was telling him about the puppy and asking for his help to pick out a meaningful name. 2 popped in my head, I dismissed it thinking it wasn't a name it was a number. It was in the back of my mind and I couldn't shake it. The next day Paul, Ridley and I were driving to meet her. I told them that 2 kept coming into my mind but I didn't know how it could work as a name. After a while Paul says "What about Ubuntu?" I asked "What is that?" Ridley says "It's the only operating system Beckett would use on his computer." We all smiled thinking okay that works... Her name will be Ubuntu but we will call her Tu.

Out of curiosity I Googled Ubuntu. I discovered it translates to "I am because we are". It is the philosophical belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity. I would like to believe it was Beck guiding us to Tu and her name. It is perfect on many levels. Ubuntu (Tu) will help us remember our human connection to Beck and remember that he will continue to live on through us.

Blog #2 (TU)

Symbolic actions can help fill the empty space left behind.

I remember strongly sensing Beck's presence in the early days. I could feel his energy around me. That was my heart and soul speaking, but my brain needed tactile reminders. I needed to "see" him.

I put his t-shirt over his chair at the dining room table so he was with us during meals. My mom made pillow cases out of his robotics t-shirts that I could hug while I slept. I put the green ribbons his friends made around the house. I wore his watch.

These visuals calmed me. My brain was jumbled and still searching for him, especially in the beginning.

I still do symbolic things, that will never stop. I find exploring tangible ways to remember Beck healing. When someone asks about something I've done, I love being able to say his name, tell a funny story and talk about what a great kid he was.

If you are grieving, I hope you are surrounding yourself with reminders of your loved one. Your relationship with them is unique to you. Embrace that and find ways to build meaningful moments.

Don't let others dissuade you. They might feel you are dwelling in the past. They can't understand how impactful and healing reminders can be; that they can actually help you. Make no apologies. Take action to give yourself what you need. Your grief journey is yours alone to manage.

I hope I've given you thoughts on how to build new connections with your loved one. They might not be with us in the physical form but we can bring them with us as we move forward.